Matchmaker Leave Me Alone

I must start off by saying that I am not easily offended.  I never take things personally, even when I should, and I do not have a delicate sensibility.  This being said, in the rare occasion that I feel wronged in some way I do tend to keep it to myself.  Mainly because it's usually something dumb and I let it go pretty easily.
But very recently, just days ago, I was unknowingly set up on somewhat of a day date with some chick by a couple of good friends of mine and it pissed me off royally.
I never told them this.  And I probably won't, unless the subject comes up and I happen to be drunk when it does.  Because then, it's on. 

To be fair, I will explain why I think they did this.  I have been single for close to six years now, and in that whole time I have not dated anyone.  I live an involuntarily celibate life and spend the vast majority of my time alone.  And over the years I will admit this has had an adverse effect on my personality and in how I deal with other people.  To make a very long and painful explanation quite short though, not so sweet, I tend to be quite cold to other people because I only have the lowest of expectations and honestly these days I don't care about anything anymore.  If you knew me before this mental breakdown, you're still cool in my mind.  So far there have only been three or four people who have come in to my life in the last few years whom I consider genuinely good people and I enjoy having them around.  But none of these people are romantic interests.  That part is still a barren wasteland where nothing could ever grow and no one could ever survive.  The easiest way to live through that is to just not go there.

I've never been ill at ease in the company of women.  This is partially because I just don't care anymore.  I've already seen the future, Miss.  And you'll be happy to know you're not in mine.  This is NOT PESSIMISM.  This is simply what experience has shown me and after so much rejection, you really do have to give up.  It hurts less to not try anymore than to continue a useless pursuit with people who don't care.  I'm not a dick about things, I can enjoy conversations with women.  And I do as much as possible.  But there have been a few instances in the past five years where a female friend of mine will try to set me up with someone.  This NEVER works.  Ever.  I'm not bitter about this, it just annoys me when it happens. 

But never have I been so annoyed as when it happened on a very recent Sunday.  I was invited to a leisurely sunday afternoon drinking session.  First clue I ignored, I am never invited to these outings.  Mainly because these people know how dysfunctional I am in the daytime.  But I went anyway because daylight drinking and the Laker game sounded appealing.  Second clue I ignored, I was continually strategically seated or situated besided a person whose name I could barely remember and I had never had a memorable conversation with.  Overall, what I would define as a boring person, though not a bad person. 

And I feel I should mentioned that she smelled funny to me.  Not to say she stank, but I have a very acute sense of smell and a huge part of attraction for me is how a woman smells.  She did not smell appealing to me in any way. 
I'm sure when it became clear to my friends that I had absolutely no intention on taking any kind of action in engaging this woman any further than necessary, one decides to give me a little push.  And it was suggested in whispered tones away from the group and through a sly text that I ask for a phone number.  All I could do was laugh heartily at this suggestion.  And shoot it down once and for all.  I even went to the extent of mentioning that I liked a friend of smelly girl that I'd met another time, knowing full well that it was never going to happen with her friend either.  And when my friend said to me, "I think it'd be awesome."  I nearly shouted in reply, "for who?" 
I'm ranting on quite long about this because this is a subject that comes up a lot these days. 

I am so far detached from everything involved with love, sex, dating, and relationships that I can say with conviction and confidence that this part of my life is officially, undeniably OVER.  It was over when I was 22 yrs old.  Yes, too soon, but still over.  It's getting pretty bad to be honest with you.  I'm even uncomfortable being touched in any way.  A close friend of mine who is always affectionate and huggy recently found that when she hugged me I involuntarily withdrew.  This is a clue I cannot ignore.  I will never enjoy the touch or feel of a woman ever again.  I will never date, have a first or last kiss, or enjoy a prolonged embrace with a female who smells fantastic to me.  And the more people try to encourage me to break this cycle, all I see and experience is more rejection.  This was the first time I rejected a set up.  Every other time I was the rejected.  I'd like to think that this means I still have some kind of standard.  But the reality is I wasn't attracted to this person for whom they had scraped the bottom of some wretched barrell at all and there really is no way around that snag.  Situations like the one I experienced that sunday only throw my lonely existence in my face.  It means that it's gotten so bad that others have noticed and are trying to take action. 

Sorry friends, but I don't deserve that kind of effort. 

a blog about trying to start blogging... again.

You can't tell, but I've had this blog for three years.  You can't tell because I decided to delete all my previous posts and start fresh.  Blogging is something that has interested me for a long time, so naturally I wanted to get into it.  One major problem occurred though.  I never remembered to update my blog.  I'd post every 10 to 15 months on average.  Sometimes even less often than that.  I think the issue here is that I don't have a specific subject matter to write about.  I write on a daily basis in notebooks.  I have a few books that are actually filled up with what could be considered diary entries, but mostly short stories, poems, and rants that somehow always come out in essay format.  Thesis statement and all.  That being said, I can't realistically use the excuse that I don't have habits, and thus can't develop habits.  Because that is clearly untrue, with all my journal writing/painting/collage.

And I can't use the excuse that blogging is more involved than writing in notebooks.  I can type WAY faster than I can write with a pen.  And even designing a blog takes less time and effort than the things I do to my notebooks.  My journals are all painted and carved into.  All I have to do here is point, click, done.  At this point I'm not even sure why I continue to try and get into this blog habit.  Nobody ever read it before.  Nobody's going to read it now.  If I had a more interesting life I'd probably have something to write about, but then I'm kind of a private person so I'd refrain from putting it out for anyone to read.  Eventhough my track record shows that no one will be reading it anytime soon anyway.

You see how my mind works?  Constantly defeating itself.  At this point it's probably the fact that I don't follow through with a lot of things in life.  I'm always tearing down my own ideas and ambitions.  This is a symptom of depression I've never been able to overcome.  And something as small and lame as writing a blog once or twice a week just might help me to see that when I follow through, the world will not fall apart on me.

So, for the time being I think I'll just come here to speak openly about whatever's on my mind at that moment.  And if there's nothing, I'll make something up.  Tell a story or interesting anecdote.  Whatever.  If there is a next time, it'd better be soon.